Three things to know about staying healthy and happy

If we need convincing of the value in staying connected with our adult kids, we can turn to ‘The Harvard Study of Adult Development’.

Ignoring the fact that the nearly 80-year long study only looked at men for its first 65 years (it now has women and mid-life children (of the original participants), the findings have helped confirm the long known truth:  

Health and happiness is not found in wealth, or the pursuit or it. Or in fame.  It is found in the quality of our inter-personal relationships, our connectivity with others.

It’s not a ground-breaking discovery. Aside from the bounty of shorter studies that support this, we know it intrinsically, because we know when we feel happy!  So why as a species do we invest so much energy in pursuits that don’t necessarily enrich us, and thus fundamentally deliver on happiness?  It’s the great paradox of us.

The study’s current director, Robert Waldinger (talking at this Ted event), says the findings deliver three lessons about relationships:

One: Social connections are essential for good health 

“… people who are more socially connectedto family, to friends, to community,are happier, they’re physically healthier, and they live longerthan people who are less well connected.And the experience of loneliness turns out to be toxic.People who are more isolated than they want to be from othersfind that they are less happy,their health declines earlier in midlife,their brain functioning declines soonerand they live shorter lives than people who are not lonely. “

Two:  Quality over Quantity

“It’s not just the number of friends you have,and it’s not whether or not you’re in a committed relationship,but it’s the quality of your close relationships that matters.It turns out that living in the midst of conflict is really bad for our health.High-conflict marriages, for example, without much affection,turn out to be very bad for our health, perhaps worse than getting divorced.And living in the midst of good, warm relationships is protective.”  

When the study looked back at the men’s lives in their ’50s, it was their level of satisfaction in their relationships that predicted their level of health later in life.

“Good, close relationships seem to buffer us from some of the slings and arrows of getting old. Our most happily partnered men and women reported, in their 80s, that on the days when they had more physical pain, their mood stayed just as happy. But the people who were in unhappy relationships, on the days when they reported more physical pain, it was magnified by more emotional pain.”

Three: Good relationships keep us mentally healthy too

The study found that people in their ’80s had better memories, when they were attached to someone they can count on.  Bickering is ok, its the underlying quality and support that makes the difference. 

Our kids have a fair mile to travel before they hit octogenarian status – their parents less so.

And it certainly seems staying truly connected with our kids after they leave home is going to be instrumental in everyone’s health and happiness.